I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
