You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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