bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
