Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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