im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
