upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize