how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
