I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
