you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize