If i come over, it means nothing
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
