I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
