I want to have your abortion
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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