Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
