I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We talked him into tasing himself.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
