Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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