Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize