I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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