At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The air was thick with penises
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
