Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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