Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
