My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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