good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
