I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
