onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
