mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
