who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
