I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
