I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
