its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
