non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
