Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
what day is it and did you see me today?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
