the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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