You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
