I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Need sex. Gaining weight.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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