Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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