I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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