I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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