I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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