Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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