I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
