My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
