He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
