Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
