see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
