Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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