: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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