I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
