I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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