I'm going to jail i love you
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
