Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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