my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize