the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
