We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
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