We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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