Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
