You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
