I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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