You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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