Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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