yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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