This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
