Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
