quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
